better day

Okay, yesterday was really hard. The days before were hard. The nights were hard. Being lonely was hard.

Being alone was hardest.

But today is better. I need to keep busy and keep my mind off it. I don't want to forget, but I'd like to be able to not cry for a little while. I'm going to join the SOS grief group here in Dallas, and I bought the book "Night Falls Fast", along with a few other choice books that have nothing to do with anything in particular. I'm not supposed to be buying books because we've packed them all up for the move, but books make me happy, so I couldn't stop myself.

I'm weird.

suicide

It's hard when the people we love leave us. It's hard when the people we love choose to leave us. It's hard to sit through a eulogy from someone that didn't know the people we love, and it's hard to look down and see that the people we love aren't there anymore.

Am I getting to that age where everyone is going to start dying? I don't want any more funerals, and I don't want any more crying. I don't want any more carnations, I don't want any more black uniforms, and I don't want any more holes in the ground surrounded by turf.

Dead twenty-four year olds feel like rubber and look like wax.

the rutherford institute

I checked my e-mail this morning and found something very interesting in a message from the Rutherford Institute. Apparently, on September 14 of this year, a seventh grade girl in Maryland was allegedly threatened with disciplinary action for reading her bible during lunch, which is considered student free time. According to school policy, and No Child Left Behind, students may read religious materials during at school only during their free time, such as before and after school, lunch, or recess. So if it turns out that the vice principal did indeed tell this girl to stop reading her bible or suffer consequences, like the adoptive mother/biological grandmother's lawsuit against the school says, her rights were severely violated.

BUT...When I looked around on the web for more information on this matter, I surprisingly couldn't find any. At least not anything concrete. Every page I found that referenced this story was either a far right Christian site, or a blog. I found one story on Washington Post's website, which was the only page containing factual information. The rest of the sites talked about what an atrocity it is that kids can't even read their bibles anymore, and some even made claims that the Boston Public school system would rather have the girl reading "Lesbian Fisting for Six Year Olds" and "I Have Two Mommies".

I can understand frustration over something like this, but how do you justify attacking lesbians to retaliate against some ignorant vice principal? If you want to attack someone, attack the school system that hires prejudiced people, or attack the atheists that pull your children away from god, or whatever, but leave gays and Jews and Muslims out of it.

This country is getting dumber by the minute.

time crunch over

Nothing like sitting around the morning after a test drinking coffee and contemplating the meaning of life. Only at this point it's not really morning anymore, and I should be contemplating the meaning of packing instead. We're moving to South Dallas at the end of this month, and I can't wait. I guess we're just not large apartment complex people...I'm not even sure we're "apartment" people. It took us almost a year to finally meet one of our neighbors, primarily because you don't make friends here unless you have a dog (sorry Hay), but it's also been difficult to meet people considering most of our neighbors move out after six months. That should have told us to get the hell out of here sooner, but I plead temporary insanity for the year long lease extension.

I'm dealing with a client right now that is incapable of communicating through e-mail, and it is driving me up the wall. I understand wanting to meet sometimes and speak over the phone, but this man literally refuses to e-mail me back when I send him e-mails, ironic since he's constantly telling me, "Okay, I'll e-mail you that." Yeah right. This will be my first experience building a web site for a...church? I suppose he's not exactly a church, but he running some sort of worship center, and I am not exactly sure what to call him or his organization. GITA: Just Pray. The GITA stands for "God Is The Answer". At the end of every phone call or voice message (but not e-mail since he has yet to actually follow through with that), I hear, "Don't forget, god is the answer, just pray."

This could definitely be a sign of more blogs to come.

am i the only one?

Who finds it weird that teenagers today are completely enthralled by the new "old school" 80's pop sound that's taking over the airwaves?

I just downloaded the entire soundtrack from " John Tucker Must Die" so that I could hear Ben Lee's rendention of "Float On" whenever I wanted to. And guess what. It sucks. The soundtrack, that is. Maybe I just need to let it play for a few rounds and then make up my mind as to whether or not I can stand it.

We bought a Mac mini the other day, along with a 20" screen from Dell. Good match, if I do say so myself. But unfortunately I can't take the credit for this purchase, because it was all Amy's idea, but good call Amy. We have yet to use the Mac for anything that could actually be considered productive, but it sure it pretty.

And I'm starting to like Macs more that PCs...uh oh.

oh what a beautiful morning

Today, my friends, everything is going my way. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I found twenty dollars in a parking lot, the Container Store has archival boxes, and my camera is arriving tomorrow, on time. In fact, it's already in Dallas, which might mean that it will arrive today, but either way it makes no difference to me.

Life is good today. This weekend will be filled with wedding pictures and complimentary adult beverages, and next week I get a three day vacation, which should be spectacular. All is right in my bubble. Anything outside of the bubble cannot be talked about today. I'm not turning on NPR, I won't be watching the news, and I most certainly am not visiting any blogs, for fear of learning that something has gone terribly wrong with my day. Nope, today is my day. I need just one.

death and dying

My uncle died on Tuesday morning. He found out about a month ago that he had lung cancer, went into the hospital last Friday, and died on Tuesday. This has all been very sudden. I guess I should say that he's not my "current" uncle, but one in a long string of husbands to my mom's sister. She and my (ex)uncle have been divorced for about two years now, but I grew up with Billy as my uncle, so I've continued to treat him as such, at least in conversation. I haven't actually seen Billy since just after their divorce becuase my aunt made it clear that she didn't want any of us seeing him anymore, despite the fact that her oldest son (from an earlier marriage) moved in with Billy after she moved out.

So Billy leaves behind an ex-wife, a would-be-fiance, a 22 year old step-son, and a 16 year old biological son, not to mention numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, and his own brothers and sisters. Chris, the 16 year old son, called me on Sunday to let me know that his dad was in the hospital, and we talked for a while about how everything would be okay, no matter the outcome, and I told him his dad loves him very much and that Billy was strong and so on and so forth...I'll be honest, I really thought Billy would pull through, at least for now. Maybe it's because my only information about his condition was coming from a 16 year old, or maybe there was too much wishful thinking involved, but either way, I didn't see this coming.

The funeral is tomorrow at two'o'clock in south Texas. I miss my uncle.

a day without who?

I understand that if ten million people in America took a day off of work on the same day, it would have an effect on the economy and more than likely the service industry, BUT that would happen if any group of people took the day off. If HRC sent me an e-mail saying "Next Monday we are asking that all gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people stay home from work to protest the Marriage Amendment", and if the GLBT community actually stayed home in large numbers and rallied in the streets, OF COURSE there would be an impact on daily life in America. Of course all those people make a huge difference in this country, of course if they all took a day off it would be an inconvenience for other people. But if all of these people were to quit their jobs, not just skip a day, those jobs would soon be filled with other people who were willing to not take a day off. I believe that this is why there were not "tens of millions" of people taking the day off yesterday, like some groups had predicted there would be. Because it was ridiculous. You're not making a point by skipping work to protest, you're just inconveniencing your employer and fellow workers for a day.

Besides, who stayed home from work yesterday? Not just undocumented immigrants, but also legal citizens in this country. How is that supposed to show us the impact that illegal immigrants have in this country? If you're trying to show the impact of illegal citizens in this country, don't show us what would happen if ALL Mexican immigrants weren't here.

When I move to Canada, I plan on doing it right, going through the process of becoming a legal citizen in that country. It may take longer, but at least when I get there I won't be in danger of being kicked out. At least not for being there illegally. Other illegal things I may be doing once I arrive in Canada, I cannot take responsibility for.

I have so much more to say about this, but not enough time to type. So there you go, there are my thoughts, in brief. And, in case you're wondering, I still find Bush to be wanting.

i love my lady friend

That's really all I have to say.

unless you're a colombian drug dealer

Am I the only one who realizes that once you've decided on a career choice and landed a job paying more than 7.50 an hour, you should definitely NOT be selling drugs to your fellow employees, and especially not to your boss? Even if there's no chance, in your mind, of him getting fired. Because if something happens and he does get fired, who's to say he's not going to take you down with him?? This all just seems like common sense to me, and yet to so many other people I know, it's the silliest theory ever. You know what, I hope that people like that don't get burned, but when they do get burned (and eventually they will), hopefully it will be the last time they sell drugs to their blatantly unstable bosses.

A small time dealer, call him a middle man, is still a dealer.

Of late, I am being frequently reminded that the words I am saying are not being taken in the ways I had intended. I am, of course, concerned that by not always thinking before I speak, I am offending people unintentionally, however I am also beginning to think that certain people are hearing what they want to hear and filling in the rest. How is it possible to always communicate exactly what I'm meaning when all I have to use is language? It's almost unfair. Especially when the people that are listening can be so daft and self-righteous. Some might say this argument is yet another grand example of me being an asshole, but I don't always have to do things to make other people happy, and I don't always need to explain everything about myself.

I'm also getting some sort of weird throat/ear infection (that's my own med school background diagnosis), which I'm sure I should have checked out by a certified doctor, but unless I start running a fever or lose my hearing, I'll be self medicating at home. With my dog. Who is freaking adorable!

worth more than happiness

Amy and I were talking last night about what life was like before the war in Iraq, about where we were September 11, 2001, about what it's all about...And I realized that I can't really remember what it's like to not be at war. I remember the day we went to war, I remember all the arguments I had in the weeks to follow with my friends who thought that invading Iraq was the thing to do. And I remember saying, it doesn't matter if they take out Saddam, because as soon as they do, someone else will step up and fight back. So here we are, three years after we began the war in Iraq, almost five years after we were attacked, and we are still fighting (though no one can really remember why), and we are still looking (though everyone has forgotten for whom). America sucks right now. Where is our political movement? Who's shouting "The whole world is watching"? No one, because we all have our eyes glued to our televisions, our fingers stuck to our cell phones, and our heads up our asses. I want to burn my tv in my yard, but I'd probably be arrested by Clear Channel for copyright infringement.

the reasons why i like to keep to myself

it is practically unbearable for me to be in a social setting with someone that has not the slightest idea what's going on in the world. how can you not know what bush is saying about the war going on past his presidency, how can you not care that six kids were killed in seattle?? i'll tell you how...you're too wrapped up in your own ridiculous, melodramatic bullshit. how difficult is it to turn on a news channel or pick up a paper or type "cnn.com"?? if you haven't heard however, some guy went on a shooting rampage at a party this morning in seattle. apparently the guy met some of the kids at the party at a rave earlier in the night, and after spending some time at the after-party house party, he walked out to his truck and returned to the party with a handgun and a shotgun. and then he started shooting. one of the kids at the house told the press that this was like columbine in washington, but i think it's completely different. the shooter in this case was in his late 20's, and the kids he was shooting at were in the early teens to early 20's. this guy could not have had a real reason to kill all these kids...i don't know man, it's just all so screwed up. i woke up at 7 this morning and checked the news, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about this since. our world is so screwed up now...and we're stuck here.

in other news, i stepped in dog pee this morning. in my new freaking pajama pants. and, i stepped in dog pee. that's really the main thing i'm trying to emphasize. that movie "bring it on" just came on tv...probably not the most intellectual movie every put out, but then again it's about cheerleading. i know that it takes a lot of practice and skills to be a cheerleader, but i also know it doesn't take much going on upstairs.

those germans are still sticking it to us

Amy and I are watching the latest Harry Potter movie right now. I have to say I think that I'm slightly disappointed. I don't know if it's that I'm too old for these movies now or what, but I just remember the book, and I guess the first few movies, to be better than this. I think it's probably just that the movie sucks. I read the book, and I keep finding myself wondering what the heck is going on in the movie. Oh well, life will go on even if Harry Potter can't go with me.

Amy's having issues with her car. It's a 2002 VW Beetle piece of shit. She hasn't even had the car 6 months and it's been in the shop 6 times as of today. I'm pretty sure that's ridiculous, and there is probably no way that this car wouldn't be legaly considered a lemon. When Amy bought that car, it had 42,500 miles on it, and we just found out today (after we've put 10,000 miles on it) that the brake fluid was not changed at the 40,000 maintence check, even though it was supposed to be. Their excuse? Even though they did the 40,000 mile check, if the brake fluid didn't need to be changed at the time, they don't change it because they're not required to. Even though the first scheduled brake fluid change (out of two, mind you) is at 40,000 miles. Freakin' A.

Okay, this Harry Potter movie is creepy. Crappy and creepy.

really, it's getting ridiculous

As usual, the cable is on the fringe. I would totally be willing to say that I hate having cable, and I don't usually go out there and throw the word hate around. Or if I do, I take it back. But this time I refuse to take it back. I hate the cable. I hate that we're not turning the cable off. Do you know what I do if I keep the TV turned off? Let's make a list: read, write music, practice, play basketball, HAVE SEX, draw, socialize, go for a walk, go the art museum, work out, clean, do laundry, play with the dog...I'm sure there's more stuff that I can't think about, but seriously. The sex alone is reason enough to turn the damn cable off. Although I guess that shouldn't be my only reason. It's not like I learn anything from cable, and it's not like my television and I can have long, well though out chats about politics and religion on a nightly basis. Cable is good for nothing. Well, I take that back, it's good for mind-numbing entertainment, but at the moment it's not even good for that because all I see is snow. I'm glad there are only three episodes of "L Word" left, because Amy and I agreed that at the end of the season we would turn the box off. Thank goodness. The end is in sight.

A moral question for you: if, at one point, I was the proud and legal owner of a compact disc copy of an album, but that disc was stolen from me (and I never made a copy, which is a right given to me by copyright law), is it okay for me to let a friend send me those songs? I mean, I paid for the CD originally, and I never made my own copy for my own listening purposes, but someone stole it from me, so technically I'm not stealing the songs because I paid for them in the first place...Let it marinate.

i am, without a doubt, stuck here for now

"I thought it would help remind people that if bin Laden doesn't want Bush to be the president, something must be right with Bush."

This is a quote from Bush crediting (at least in part) his success in the 2004 elections to the tape that bin Laden released the Friday prior to election day. What pride Bush must take in the fact that, rather than catching the man, he can at least remind the American people that if our enemies don't like him, he must be doing something right. What a freaking idiot.

I'm watching this movie "Off the Map" right now...it's really interesting, set in New Mexico in the 70's. I would love to live in New Mexico, living off the land like the family does in this movie. The scenery is just amazing in this film, but I guess that's pretty much all you can get when you're in a breathtaking place like that. I really don't have much to say today. The words aren't coming out.

get on the mountain with the rest of us

I found this on another person's site and it is pretty darn funny, so check it out: Brokeback To The Future

but is it really?

I understand children and adolescents using these words, but I find it hard to believe that grown adults can't find something better to say; "That's so gay" and "How retarded" are really starting to wear me out as trendy, though politically incorrect, American catch phrases. In one day I heard two adults use both of these, and each time I thought, "Is it really?". Because you know what, it's not. A field cannot be retarded, and something someone said is more than likely not gay. I wish I could spread "That's so straight" like wild fire as the new burn phrase, but somehow I just don't think heterosexuals are the same perfect target as two groups of people that have spent hundreds (should I say thousands?) of years being persecuted. Freaking idiots. Come up with something better before you reproduce and teach your children the same bull shit.

is that pepperjack cheese?

Great news people, Lays potato chips are now the spokescompany for the real "country" sandwich, whatever that means. But at least now we can all breathe a little bit easier, knowing that bags of grease are the new representative of the south. I don't much care for living in Texas. There are far too many negative stereotypes for my taste. The other day I heard some guy telling a friend of mine that "if it's so bad for Mexicans in America, why doesn't your dad just go back where he came from?" His dad is what some might call Native American. Oh the irony! This man who so eloquently threw out such an insult is what I would define as a "good ole' boy", and not exactly a friend of mine. In fact, I can't stand the guy, mostly because he's a complete jerk, but also because he has horrible fashion sense. Just because you work somewhere doesn't mean you have to buy allllllll of your clothes there.

On another note, I thoroughly enjoy A&E's four hours of "24" on Mondays. I have never really watched this show, at least not enough to say that I'm into it, but showing 4 episodes at once is definitely a great way to catch up. And then to find out that one of the girls off of "L Word" is also on the show, well that's just the icing on the cake. Okay, not really, especially since it's the crazy girl, but how 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon is that anyway? This is why we need to turn off the cable. If it was possible for us to use the bunny ears to watch the regular channels, I think it would be easier to say so long to Comcast, but the idea of not even being able to watch the news or (for Amy) a football game makes me sad. So I'm not sure if we'll ever turn the box off while we live here. I feel like I should make a commercial where, instead of a scale, I tie a cable box to my ankle, and instead of just dragging it behind me, it brings out the prejudice in people and prevents me from getting a job and everyone cuts me off in the grocery line. Cable sucks the life out of me.

Friday Random Ten

1. I Love the Valley OH - Xiu Xiu
2. Dilate - Ani
3. Hide and Seek - Frou Frou
4. Mad World - Gary Jules
5. The Scientist - not the one by Coldplay but the cover by that one guy...yeah
6. Out of My Hands - Dave Matthews
7. To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
8. Dear Prudence - Beatles
9. We Tigers - Animal Collective
10. Something To Look Forward To - Spoon

Whatever, I know you know this is totally the same shit I always listen to Amy! So really nothing random about this at all, actually very predictable. I'll do better next Friday, I promise. At least I hope.

Jill Carroll...man. I know that people have always kidnapped Americans and held them for ransom, but it's so publicized and...personal now. Wouldn't it be nice if they let her go?